Babies … this much we know at 2 months

Bit of a change in format this week.

Up front this much we know …

Just when you think you know their habits, they change them.

There is never a clean muslin within reach when they are sick.

Baby clothing sizes are a mystery, although they remain a continual source of conversation. If you are a man you will NEVER understand this.

Babies are always asleep when you want them to be awake and awake when you want you want them to be asleep.

Their sense of timing is impeccable. Just when you are about to leave somewhere or an event is about to start and they have been sleeping peacefully for hours they wake up screaming like they have never been fed before.

Having a baby human is better than having a baby elephant. Elephants gestate for 22 months and are weaned at between 2 and 4 years!

Being sick on their outfit as soon as it is put on is a sign that they like it. The same goes for mummy or daddy’s outfit too.

Each day is a new start. You can be at your wits end at 4am when they still won’t settle and are screaming their heads off with you wondering why on earth you gave birth but the next morning all is forgotten and their little sleepy face erases all memory of the night before.

Babies are great ice-breakers. It seems as if we have struck-up more conversations with strangers in the last few months than in our entire lives.

Always allow twice as long as you think an appointment with the health vistor/midwife/doctor will take. Health care professionals, as lovely as they are, seem to operate in a different time zone to everyone else. This is why you have maternity leave – so you can spend many days in clinics/doctors waiting rooms/hospitals.

Babies have the following in-built alarms – ‘Mummy has left the building without me’ – cue ravenous hunger screaming; ‘Mummy and Daddy are just sitting down to eat dinner’ – cue inconsolable sobbing; ‘I am being put in my cot to sleep’ – cue ear piercing shouting espeically at 4am; ‘Mummy or daddy have just made a phone call’ – cue heart-wrenching bawling etc…

Non-baby people can be very tactless. When confronting a person with a sleeping baby in a papoose it’s never a good thing to say ‘Oh, is your baby sleeping or just dead?’

Babies sense of hearing defies scientific analysis. A sleeping baby can be woken by the rustle of a newspaper yet they can sleep through a full-on fireworks display undisturbed.

Babies cry for no apparent reason. This sucks.

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